6 Tips To Improve Social Skills
Having a great network
– the set of relationships you build over time, both personally and
professionally – is important to your success in so many ways.
Your network helps you deliver better results, surge ahead in your
career or rebound when things are tough. It also helps you learn, grow and have
more fun in your life.
However, your network is not something you can buy. The only way to have
a great network is to build it. And the number one key to building
relationships is having strong social skills.
It doesn’t matter how smart you are. If you don’t have good social
skills, you will top out before you are meant to.
Maybe you’re already seeing others less capable than you getting
promoted while you aren’t. Or being invited to sit at the equivalent of the
“cool kids’ table” at company dinners while you’re at the back.
Worse yet, if you lack social skills, you’ll leave some great living
on the table – the happy and fun parts.
The good news is that even if you’re an introvert or lack the social
ease and grace of your colleagues, you can become good at this. You don’t need
to settle for “average” either on the job or at home.
I recently came across an inspiring piece on how to do just that.
In The
Ultimate Guide to Social Skills, Ramit explores five aspects of developing
social skills, and provides specific tools and techniques for mastering each.
These include:
- How to be interesting
- How to make small talk
- Overcoming shyness
- How to master group conversations
- How to be more likeable
When you
have a chance, I recommend taking a look. It’s easy to read and includes videos
full of useful tips and tools from Ramit and others.
6 Tips To Improve Your Social Skills
In the
meantime, and in case you’re short on time, here are the takeaways that
resonated most with me and how they apply in a business setting.
1. It’s how you make them feel
The
fundamental insight Ramit starts with is that beyond how you look, what people
notice first and foremost is how you make them feel in the first few seconds of
meeting you.
Think about
it: don’t you get an instant feeling about people you’re introduced to, whether
good or bad? For me, it’s a combination of the vibe they give off and how they
present themselves.
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people
will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you
made them feel.”
– Maya Angelou
In a
business setting, it’s absolutely crucial to get this right.
Are you
behaving in a way that allows them to feel you are trustworthy and
appropriately confident? Are your body language and eye contact demonstrating
your interest? Do you show that you’re attuned to them and not just in it for
your self?
As they
say, you only get one chance to make a good first impression. For better or
worse, the impression you leave is based largely on your social skills.
The example
Ramit gives is about someone losing a seven-figure business deal because of his
cockiness and coming across as someone who would not be a team player. Ouch.
Worst of all, the individual probably had no idea that his social skills were
the reason, so he won’t have a chance to change.
2. Get in early if you’re shy
Especially
if you’re shy, Ramit recommends making a commitment to do the following within
60 seconds of entering the room: go up to someone and introduce yourself. That
way, you will have burst the shy bubble before you have a chance to get
nervous.
This works
in meetings too. When I was in mid-career, I was afraid to make a comment in
case I sounded dumb. So I would wait and plan out what to say, and try to work
up the courage to say it out loud. I’d argue with myself: was this a good point
to make, and a good time to make it?
By the time
I was finally ready, someone else would make the same point and I would spend
the rest of the meeting beating myself up about missing my chance to speak.
That’s when
I finally figured out that I needed to hear my voice in the meeting early, even
if it was just saying hello. That made it easier to participate later on.
What I
would add to this is so many of us focus on how nervous we are, and what other
people are thinking of us, and being fearful of sounding dumb. The truth is
that many of them are thinking the same thing about themselves. And others are
mentally far away, worrying about something completely unrelated to you.
The best
thing you can do is to just get over it and press on.
3. Take the lead
Ramit talks
about being proactive in social situations, and how this increases your social
value, especially when you’re in a group setting.
This
doesn’t mean dominating the conversation. Instead, it’s about being prepared
(brainstorming a list of potential topics before the event, planning the type
of impression you want to leave), and engaging everyone in the conversation
once you’re there.
In a
business meeting, that type of facilitation and getting others involved in the
conversation is hugely valuable. You get to direct the conversation and help
include a diverse set of viewpoints, all of which can lead to better decisions
and more effective meetings.
4. Small talk is important
This one
was a revelation for me. Yes, I’m that nightmare person who just wants to get
to the point and not “waste time” with “idle chit chat”. After reading Ramit’s
piece, I see the error of my ways.
Ramit
points out that you don’t build a relationship by just getting down to the
facts. There’s a dance, a game, a whole process that’s important before getting
down to business.
Just like
going to a restaurant, you don’t want to just get the food the moment you walk
in the door, eat it and go. It’s a dining experience with a set of rituals that
makes it enjoyable, worthwhile and something you’ll want to do again.
This is
highly relevant with clients and colleagues as well. It allows you to be seen
as a complete person rather than someone who is boring, stiff and robotic.
Showing your personality and being able to develop relationships is a great
differentiator that helps you advance.
5. Get feedback
Ramit then
goes on to point out the importance of getting feedback on how you’re coming
across. His point is when you’re bad at social skills, people won’t just come
out and tell you – frankly, people don’t even tell you when you’ve got spinach
in your teeth!
I couldn’t
agree more. With my coaching clients, we talk about uncovering blind spots and
how one of the best ways is to get input from others. And as painful as it may
seem to learn how others see you, it’s in your own interest to find out… as
soon as possible. Even if you aren’t aware of it, everyone else is. And knowing
is the first step to changing.
If you’re
interested in hearing more on this, I recommend Ramit’s interview with Pam Slim
(author of Escape from Cubicle Nation)
in module 1.
6. Learn to wrap up
Part of
having great social skills is knowing how to enter a conversation with ease and
grace. But having gotten into that conversation, you don’t want to “get stuck”
there. As in talking to the same person at the conference or cocktail party for
40 minutes. You also need to know how to wrap things up in an elegant way.
Getting
stuck happens to me quite a bit. I’m genuinely interested in people and can
talk to them for a long time without getting bored. Plus I don’t want to offend
anyone. That’s where Ramit’s simple strategy is so helpful.
When the
conversation has come to a natural end, or you’ve reached your attention span
limit, all you have to say is, “It was a pleasure meeting you. Thanks for
chatting.” Then walk away. It’s all about your demeanor while you’re giving
that simple two-liner. You can smile, but you have to disengage and start
moving away.
Putting Social Skills Into Practice
Some
additional insights into the importance of social skills came up last weekend
while I was attending Jeff Walker’s PLF Live event for entrepreneurs who want
to make a difference by getting their message and services out into the world.
It was a great place to practice the social skills Ramit talked about.
It’s not just about the content
As Jeff
kicked off the three-day conference with 1,200 people, he explained that as
great as his content is, it’s only part of the value for participants. Relationships are built, and business gets done
outside the
meeting room – in informal settings like the bar, the hallway,
the restaurant.
He urged us
to resist checking emails and making phone calls during breaks, and instead
focus on meeting people. I’m thankful I listened (and obeyed!) because I met
some terrific future business partners.
Be cool
Jeff also
talked about what kind of conduct was “not cool” in terms of building
relationships. There was to be no pushing and shoving to get into the room to
get a good seat – you never know who could make or break your next business
opportunity. We were to come from a mindset of openness and abundance when we
talked to each other. We were to be supportive and help each other.
Dare to share
In addition
to his instructions on how to “be cool” at the conference, the way he set up
the sessions also encouraged us to share our ideas. He integrated small group
conversations into each session where we had to find 2-3 other people and share
our answers to questions he posed. Even our introverts were right in the mix
sharing their points.
Continue Improving Your Social Skills
So, when
you attend events, take advantage of the opportunity to build new
relationships. Stay present and disconnect from the rest of your world for that
limited time.
And as you
build your network – that crucial set of mutually supportive relationships that
travels with you no matter where you are – keep in mind the role that social
skills play.
Whatever
you do, keep practicing your social skills. They are truly differentiators,
especially as you become more senior and people look to you for more than
“just” your technical expertise.
Even the
best of us can continue to improve our social skills.
1. Become a student of social skills: identify a
few people who you think are great at it, and observe what they do in a variety
of settings that works well for them. Analyze why it works for them and
consider which approaches and techniques are worth experimenting with for you.
You can do the same for people who are not so good at it and learn from them
too.
2. Practice, practice, practice: Take those
approaches or techniques you like from #1 and experiment with them, starting in
low risk situations (like at a college campus recruiting event or a distant
cousin’s wedding, etc.).
3. Give yourself permission to be “bad” at it the
first few times as you practice, and reward yourself for putting yourself out
there and practicing. Look for what you did well, and focus on that. Cut
yourself some slack – it will feel more natural as you have more “at bats”.
4. Arrange to get feedback from a friend you
trust who can watch you in action. Often what we are our own harshest critics –
it’s hard to see ourselves accurately.
5. Related to #4, use the buddy system: another
thing I’ve found really handy is to go to big networking events with someone
else. It’s so much easier to break into a group conversation when there are two
of you than when you’re solo.
6. Take it in bite-sized chunks (as in, set a modest
goal such as meeting 2-3 people per event or finding something in common with
2-3 people), but do keep practicing. And have some fun with it!
Hope that helps. Happy socializing!
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