Sometimes unmarried sisters ask me, "What can I do now as a single woman to prepare myself for being a mom in the future?"
My top 5 tips:
1. Learn Your Deen:
Cover the basics. Have a good foundation in Islamic knowledge, علم. You don't need to get an advanced degree as a muhadditha or specialize in ifta' (giving fatawa, etc). But you do need to learn in some depth the individually obligatory knowledge necessary to live as a practicing Muslim adult.
For example, learn the fiqh of purity (باب الطهارة) to make sure you are making wudu properly, fiqh of prayer (باب الصلاة) to make sure you are praying correctly, and all the other acts of worship that you do regularly. Learn as much Quran as possible: correct pronunciation, basic tajweed, some tafseer, some memorization if you can. Learn the basics of `aqidah and tawheed, knowing who Allah ﷻ is. This is important not only for you individually, but also for your future offspring inshaAllah. The first step of teaching your children is to teach yourself.
You can also learn many things alongside your children inshaAllah-- I have! You don't need to cram in ALL the `ilm before you have children, so don't stress over this. But if you have time now, it would be good to use this free time to gain knowledge before you become busy with children inshaAllah. The more you learn now, the more you can teach children when you have them.
2. De-colonize Your Mind:
Get rid of any traces of feminism. Get your priorities straight. Sort out your inner thoughts and feelings about your purpose in life, your goals, your role. Establish in your heart and mind the absolute importance of motherhood and the seriousness of the role. Narrow your focus.
Ask yourself: What should I build my identity around? Being a Muslim wife and mother? Or being a wage serf?
Ask yourself: What counts as an accomplishment? Raising a righteous child and having a happy, healthy family? Or attaining a collection of secular higher-education degrees and climbing the corporate ladder?
Ask yourself: What does it mean to have a successful life? What does it mean to be happy?
Work out the reasons, rationales, and the implications for whatever answers you give.
Figure out what you plan to do when you become a mother inshaAllah: do you aim to stay home with your children to raise them well, or do you intend to leave them so you can work your "dream job" because you're "a strong independent woman" working a 9-5 desk job? It's one thing if, after becoming a mom, you need to work outside the home purely out of necessity just to make ends meet. But it's another thing entirely for you to *aspire* to be "a working woman" all your life who is "stunning and brave" because this is the only way you think a woman can have any value.
Growing up in this modern liberal world order, many girls and young women are indoctrinated by feminism to see marriage and motherhood as slavery and to think having self-worth means being a lifelong corporate slave. I was brainwashed with this, too. I had to un-brainwash myself slowly. It didn't happen overnight, but alhamdulillah it is possible to reverse the liberal feminist programming.
3. Address Your Childhood:
Our childhood often has an impact on how we raise our own children. My mother died when I was a young child. This reality has influenced my own method of motherhood and tarbiya with my own children. It is often healing to give others what we never got ourselves.
Many people have childhood trauma and it isn't easy. May Allah grant us all ease and baraka and mercy. As moms, we often need to go back to our own childhood and recognize the roots of our own issues and problems so that we can slowly try to resolve them, and not just repeat the dysfunctional old patterns with our own innocent children. The worst thing is for us parents to lack self-reflection and blindly pass on the generational problem on to the next generation. I know how hard this is, though. It takes so much mental work and effort. But it is very possible through du`a and a willingness to pursue self-awareness and emotional maturity.
4. Practice Homemaking:
When you have a baby, you will also have other responsibilities and duties that preceded that. Use some of your time before marriage and/ or motherhood to gain important practical skills needed to run a successful home smoothly.
Learn to cook. You don't have to go to culinary school or become a professional chef who cooks Michelin-star gourmet meals. But it is important to learn at least the basics of cooking, making healthy and delicious food.
Learn how to clean your home. Almost nobody talks about the importance of this skill. Having a neat, clean space is important not only to maintain hygiene in our spaces, but also to give us a sense of peace and serenity at home. Having a cluttered or messy or dirty home gives feelings of anxiety or stress. We want our home to be our safe haven, our sanctuary, our place of peace and rest. Part of the job of the homemaker is to have an efficiently organized and clean home.
Learning these practical homemaking skills before becoming a mother is super helpful. Because having your first baby is a VERY new experience filled with new skills that you scramble to learn on the spot: how to change a diaper, how to breastfeed, how to care for an infant. So if along all this, you also have to learn how to cook, how to clean, how to do laundry, how to organize the pantry-- it will be too many new things all at once. You'll feel overwhelmed.
5. Select Your Husband Wisely:
When you choose a man to marry, you aren't only picking a husband for yourself. You are also choosing the father of your children inshaAllah. Make a wise, intelligent choice as much as you are able (of course nobody knows the ghayb except Allah). But through the processes of istikhara and istishara ( الاستخارة والإستشارة), you can hopefully vet the man well and make an informed decision based on long-term benefit and not only short-term physical attraction.
One of the first rights children have upon their parents is the selection of a righteous spouse. A man picking a good wife is fulfilling his future children's right for a righteous mother. A woman picking a good husband is fulfilling her future children's right for a righteous father.
When we take any role or job seriously, we plan and prepare for it. We study it, determine its requirements, and make sure we have the necessary prerequisites to be qualified candidates for the position.
Motherhood is no different. In fact, motherhood for the sake of Allah is the highest and most worthwhile role for a woman.
Motherhood is the unfurling of a woman's fullest potential.
Umm Khalid
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