Why Are Social Emotional Skills Important?
Our beloved Prophet said:
“There is not anything that will be placed on the scale weightier than good Akhlaq, and, certainly, the one who has good Akhlaq reaches by it the rank of one who continuously observes Saum (Fasts) and performs abundant (Nafl) Salah.”
Dr. James Connor, a national leader in social and emotional learning, explained that an atmosphere that provides support for one’s social and emotional learning and competence versus one that does not, can make a huge difference in the child’s life. The difference Connor claims, is equal to the difference in the outcome of throwing seeds on cement versus planting seeds in enriched soil. And what a difference that is!
The development of social emotional skills facilitates the child’s capacity for self-‐‑confidence, empathy and trust. It develops competency in the usage of language and stirs curiosity. Strong development of a child’s social emotional skills is a predictor of future social, emotional success and healthy cognitive development leading to academic success.
What happens when social emotional skills are not developed?
• Low self-‐‑esteem leading to behavior problems; incompetence.
• Difficulty following directions.
• Rejection amongst peers.
• Problems in interpersonal relationships.
• Trouble working in groups.
• Aggression and anxiety.
• Social awkwardness.
• Social and emotional malfunction.
Do We Misunderstand Children?
In our efforts to develop social emotional skills in children, it is crucial that we understand children and not ‘misunderstand’ them. Jan Hunt, Director of The Natural Child Project and author of The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart, has listed ten ways in which we misunderstand children:
1. We expect children to be able to do things before they are ready.
2. We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs.
3. We mistrust the child'ʹs motives.
4. We don'ʹt allow children to be children.
5. We get it backwards.
6. We blame and criticize when a child makes a mistake.
7. We forget how deeply blame and criticism can hurt a child.
8. We forget how healing loving actions can be.
9. We forget that our behavior provides the most potent lessons to the child.
10. We see only the outward behavior, not the love and good intentions inside the child.
“Problem Child” or Problem Adult:
Some children do not develop social emotional skills as well as others and there may be valid reasons for this. Some children are shy by nature; others may have experienced rebuffs in their effort to make friends and may have even been treated ‘cruelly’ by their peers. This invariably makes children distance themselves from others. Whatever the reason, the most painful thing for parents is the rejection of their child.
Tamara Parnay in her article ‘Problem Child’ draws our attention to the fact that there are several behaviors that adults get away with. However, these very behaviors are considered problems when exhibited by children. The participants were handed out a ‘light-‐‑hearted’ questionnaire developed by Tamara Parnay to decide how we, as adults would label ourselves. Some of the questions were as follows:
Do you ever...
. . . cry when upset?
. . . decide not to share your things?
. . . seek others’ undivided attention?
. . . feel indignant when people don'ʹt take your feelings seriously?
. . . have trouble controlling your emotions?
. . . have difficulty saying sorry?
. . . need reassurance that you are loved and valued?
"ʺIf there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."
- C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality
How Do We Develop Social Emotional Skills?
The following basic steps are suggested when teaching social skills:
1. Explain the skill – (e.g. teach children to greet others)
2. Demonstrate the correct way to use it – (e.g. greet children)
3. Demonstrate an inappropriate way and allow children to correct it or problem solve.
4. Provide opportunities to practice the skill (with an adult or classmate)
5. Provide positive feedback
6. Involve parents to reinforce the skill at home.
Confidence:
Confidence can be defined as ‘belief in oneself and one'ʹs powers or abilities; self-‐‑confidence; self-‐reliance. Self worth and self-‐‑esteem contribute greatly to confidence.
We strengthen our sense of worth when we master skills and achieve goals. This gives us confidence that we will succeed and it empowers us with the strength to accept challenges and to persevere.
Self-‐‑esteem is one of the most powerful predictors of success. It lays the foundation for pre-‐‑school aged children, as they set out to shape their future. Children’s self-‐‑image is not only a result of how they perceive themselves, but also how parents, teachers and other adults perceive them. These young children learn about themselves from the messages their parents and teachers convey to them -‐‑ Am I fun to be with? Does my behavior please you? Do you consider me an individual with thoughts and feelings?
Helping children feel good about themselves, both as individuals and in relationship to others, is crucial in strengthening their confidence. Self-‐‑esteem and confidence in pre-‐‑school aged children are closely connected to the learning of new skills.
Foster in
children a sense
of belonging
• Teach children to play well with others and get along.
• Teach them to greet other children in the classroom and introduce themselves.
• Help children to overcome shyness. Talk about shyness as how children feel and not what they are.
• Respect children, listen to them and respond readily to their needs to make them feel loved and valued. They, in turn, will learn to respond to others in the same way.
Provide encouragement
• Celebrate small accomplishments.
• Start with a doable activity. Once mastered move to new ones.
• Reinforce children’s capabilities -‐‑ Encourage children to explore new things.
• Do not try to "ʺrescue"ʺ children when they display frustration in figuring out a new toy.
• Balance your need to protect children with their need to handle new tasks.
• Know the difference between ‘praise’ and ‘encouragement’.
Children need to get this message from their parents and/or teachers or care givers: I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going.
Be a
Role Model:
• Children need self-‐‑confident adults. They learn by imitating/mimicking.
• Acknowledge your mistakes. It helps children to learn the important lesson that we all make mistakes and mistakes can be corrected.
• Enables children to be more willing to try new things and learn new skills.
Identify Strengths:
• Avoid comparisons with other children.
• Emphasize that everyone has different skills and each person is special.
Set limits:
• Establish reasonable rules -‐‑ repeat rules daily -‐‑ demonstrate rules.
• Be clear and consistent.
• Assure them that you trust their capabilities to follow the rules and to do the right thing.
Suggested Storybooks:
• Tacky The Penguin by Helen Lester (Ages 4 and up) • Purplicious by Elizabeth Kann (Ages 4 and up)
Cooperation -‐‑ Sharing and Taking Turns:
“Selfishness is not necessarily a personality flaw for preschoolers. It’s the way their brains are wired; they are egocentric beings”, says Amanda Morgan a trainer and consultant to a non-‐‑profit children’s organization and a blogger at Not Just Cute, in her post on simplekids.net.
Children do
not understand the
concept of sharing,
but like any
other skill, children
can learn this
as well, provided
the rules are
few and there
is lots of
fun. 
Make Sharing
Fun:
• Games that require children to work as a team are excellent tools to inculcate sharing, and provide opportunities to practice taking turns.
• Learning to take turns helps children recognize the need that others need to have a
chance as well.
• Pre-‐‑school aged children can get restless if the wait is too long. Organize games with small groups. Group size can be increased gradually as the skill progresses.
• Young children have no concept of time so waiting even for a minute can be an ordeal. Set a timer.
Avoid Reproach
– Praise Positives:
• Display patience through the learning process. Children tend to learn, forget repeatedly and then re-‐‑learn the skill.
• Avoid disciplining children when they do not share. Forcing a child to give the toy results in resentment.
• Provide your child with positive experiences sharing with others.
• Provide sincere praise and attention when children share.
•
Make children
aware that by
sharing with others,
they not only
make others happy
but they themselves
feel happy Respect Ownership:
• It is normal for children in pre-‐‑school to cling to their toys and belongings.
• Children usually refuse to share a favorite toy, but will be generous with other toys.
•
Respect the
child’s ownership and
attachment to a
favorite toy. Lead by
Example:
• What you do as parents and teachers matters more than what you say.
• Ensure that you model good sharing in the classroom or at home.
• Share things with your spouse/parents/children.
•
Consciously describe
the act of
sharing. Give to
Charity:
• Join a program where your children can donate their toys and clothes.
• Encourage your child to purchase a few new toys to give to charity. Last but not least, practice the skill repeatedly.
Suggested Storybooks:
• I Can Share by Karen Katz (Ages 2-‐‑3)
• A Chair For My Mother by Vera Williams (Ages 4-‐‑8)
Communication – Relationships -‐‑ Making Friends
“Who would choose to live, even if possessed with all other things, without friends.”
-‐‑ Aristotle
Humans are social beings. Having friends is extremely important to both adults and children. Friendships help develop a greater sense of well being in children. Friendships contribute significantly to the development of their social emotional skills.
Through friendships children learn:
• To set rules and abide by them.
• To consider options and make choices and decisions.
• How to win and lose.
• How to lead and how to follow.
• What is fair and what is unfair.
• That they are similar to and different from others.
• To cope with difficulties and changes in life.
• To manage conflicts.
• To participate and invite participation.
• To acknowledge the feelings of other children.
Cooperative Activities:
• Children get along better when they are engaged in cooperative play and activities.
• Choose toys for outdoor play that will enable children to play in a group.
• Organize group games
Friendship Opportunities:
• Assign a child each day to greet the other children as they arrive.
• Set up a buddy system.
• Assign children with responsibilities for a group project.
• Read books with friendship themes.
Model Friendship
Skills
• Use storybooks, videos and puppets to model friendships.
• Use children to model. Give positive reinforcement.
• Show kindness – give compliments, open the door for someone.
Positive Reinforcement:
•
Remember to
reinforce and compliment
children. Suggested Storybooks:
• Big Al by Andrew Clements (Ages 4-‐‑8)
• “I Have A Little Problem, Said The Bear by Heinz Janisch (Ages 3-‐‑5) • Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister (Ages 3-‐‑8)
Good Manners:
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said:
Anything that has gentleness in it is beautified by it, and anything that is bereft of it, is stained.”
“Manners are the sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.” -‐‑ Emily Post
Children must be taught to use kind words and good manners and be pleasant in their demeanor. According to a recent survey, more than 50% of Americans are concerned about the growing rudeness in the United States.
The purpose of good manners is to make it easy for people to get along with one another. Manners show respect and consideration for fellow human beings. When we behave graciously we make the world a nicer place to live in. One of the growing problems in schools is the lack of good manners in children. Manners speak a lot about a child’s upbringing. Mannerly kids are fun to be around, have an easier time making friends and succeeding in school. Good manners foster positive relationships.
The best way to teach manners to children is by modeling them.
Start Young
-‐‑ Set Rules:
• Set a good example, be consistent and start young.
• Start with simple rules – prioritize -‐‑ then introduce more.
• Repetition, repetition and repetition. Habits form through repetition.
• Give reminders: if you are going to have a visitor in the classroom remind children of
the rules before the event.
•
Avoid dwelling
on infractions -‐‑
when children forget,
remind them to
be respectful and
use good manners.
Teach Polite
Speech:
• One of the basics of good manners is using polite words. This goes beyond please and thank you. Children should also be taught to use other polite phrases; such as You’re welcome and Excuse me.
• Remind the child to extend his or her hand, look others in the face, and say, “Hello”
• “Can I…?” or “May I…?” instead of demanding things or grabbing without permission.
• Modulate your own tone and use social niceties when you speak to children or in conversations in their presence.
• Modeling will guide them as they learn to speak.
Teach expectations
for social events
• Teach children how to behave in social events such as: at school, in the mosque, at a restaurant, while visiting friends and relatives etc.
• Spend a few minutes before each of these events to remind them how to behave.
• Good table manners will give your children confidence. Children learn well by watching adults and following their lead. • Offer praise.
Correct inappropriate
manners:
• When correcting inappropriate behavior, remember to talk to the child in private.
• Help children understand consequences of their actions.
Give
Choices:
• Giving choices is a good way to problem solve with preschoolers.
• Ask what can be done to make it work for both the children.
•
Give children
time to come
up with ideas
before telling them
what to do. Positive reinforcement:
• Use praise.
• Tell them you like what they are doing. Be consistent.
Good manners
generally become second
nature to children
as they grow
up. As adults
this will help
them form strong
relationships in life.
Suggested
Storybooks:
• Pat Them Gently by Melanie O’Brien (Ages 1-‐‑4)
• Quiet LOUD by Leslie Patricelli (Ages 1-‐‑4)
• Pizza In His Pocket by Jawaad Abdul Rahman
• Excuse Me!: A Little Book of Manners by Karen Katz (Ages 2-‐‑4)
Conflict Resolution:
“Conflict should be managed, but should not (and realistically cannot) be eliminated.”
-‐‑ Amanda Morgan – Blog Not Just Cute
Children get angry when they feel that something is unfair, when something that they hold dear has been taken away; when a toy breaks; when someone is mean to them and when friends walk away. Conflict is a normal and healthy part of growing up. Dealing with this can be a challenge for teachers and parents. Teaching children to resolve conflicts must begin in the early years of Pre-‐school. This skill helps children to build problem-‐‑solving and social skills that they can rely on throughout their lives.
Keep Calm:
• When you see a conflict between two children, intervene calmly.
• Get down to the child’s eye level -‐‑ when you stand from above, you take the power from the child and transfer it to yourself.
Acknowledge feelings:
• Let them know in a loving tone that you understand their feelings.
• Helps to comforts them.
• Facilitates children to find solutions to the problem.
Gather Information:
• Give children a fair chance to describe their conflict.
• Provide vocabulary for each child to express his or her point of view.
• Repeat what the children have told you clearly, so that they know you understand their individual feelings.
Invite ideas
to solve the
problem -‐‑ Help
negotiate:
• Children'ʹs participation in, and consensus with, the process is important.
• Discuss options; such as asking to play with the toy, sharing, taking turns.
• Invite ideas for solutions and choose one together.
•
Helping them
to come up
with a solution
teaches them that
they can settle
conflicts amicably, and
can still be
friends. Recap conflict
and solution reached:
• Go over the conflict they had and show them how they reached a solution.
• Helps reinforce the lessons that the children have learned.
• Facilitate them to be friends again with a pat on the back, a handshake, a hug, or a thumb’s up.
Praise -‐‑
follow-‐‑up – support:
• Give follow-‐‑up support.
• Help the children to put their solution into action.
• Praise them for playing well together.
Suggested Storybooks:
• When Sophie Gets Angry – Really, Really Angry . . . by Molly Garret Bang
• Andrew’s Angry Words by Dorothea Lachner (Ages 4-‐‑8)
Expressing Feelings:
Young children feel
the same emotions
as adults, but
do not posses
the vocabulary to
express them adequately
and appropriately. That
is the reason
why we witness
children yelling, crying,
stomping feet, pouting
and withdrawing in
an effort to
convey to adults
that they are
angry, hurt, upset
or sad. Helping
children to manage
and express their
feelings in an
appropriate manner is
a daily challenge
both for teachers
and parents. Developing
this skill impacts
children’s social, emotional
and cognitive development.
In order to
maintain loving relationships, we
all need skills
to express our
feelings appropriately. Recognize feelings/emotions:
• Talk to children about how they feel.
• Validate their feelings and emotions.
• Help them to process their feelings.
•
Make them
aware that the feeling
is acceptable but not
the behavior. 
Identify Feelings:
• Use feeling cards, games and other creative ways to teach children the names of feelings
and emotions.
• Teach children phrases that they can use in emotional situations.
• Read storybooks that offer opportunities to discuss emotions.
• Teach children the “Turtle Technique” (ttyc.org)
Express Feelings:
• Make children feel safe to express their emotions.
•
Help them
in expressing their
emotions. Be a
role-‐‑model:
• Build a positive relationship with children.
•
Model the
behavior that you
would like to
see in children.
Suggested Storybooks:
• Glad Monster Sad Monster by Ed Emberley & Anne Miranda (Ages 2-‐‑5)
• Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney (Ages 2-‐‑5)
• Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney (Ages 3-‐‑5)
• Hands Are Not For Hitting by Martine Agassi (Ages 2-‐‑8)
• My Many Colored Days by Dr. Suess (Ages 3-‐‑8)
• Mouse Was Mad by Linda Urban (Ages 2-‐‑5)
• On Monday When It Rained by Cherryl Kachenmeister (Ages 3-‐‑8)
• Sometimes I Am Bombaloo by Rachel Vail (Ages 3-‐‑8)
Empathy:
“We live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principal goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe and entertained.”
-‐‑ Barack Hussain Obama
Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of others. To some children empathy comes naturally. All others need help to develop this skill. Pre-‐‑school teachers must make the sincere effort to get children to empathize with each other when they have conflicts. We, as adults need to show them that we treat others the way we want to be treated.
Studies suggest that kids are more likely to develop a strong sense of empathy when their own emotional needs are being met at home (Barnett 1987).
Teachers and parents can adopt some basic guidelines to teach empathy:
Address Emotional
Needs:
• Address children’s emotional needs.
• Identify the child’s feelings in words.
Develop Awareness:
• Feelings influence our behavior.
• Draw attention to a friend’s feelings.
• What can they do to make him/her feel better?
Model Empathy:
• Show children that they are loved.
• Do not react to mistakes, talk calmly. Be forgiving.
• Praise children when they show concern for another child.
• Read storybooks that talk about empathy.
Suggested Storybooks:
• When I Care About Others by Cornelia Maude Spelman (Ages 2-‐‑5)
• Hey, Little Ant by Phillip M. Hoose (Ages 3-‐‑5)
• How Do I Stand In Your Shoes by Susan DeBell (Ages 4 and up)
“And know that your possessions and your children are but a trial; and that it is Allah with whom lies your highest reward.”
-‐‑ Qur’an 8:28
Closing Thoughts
All of you reading this have loved someone, have done someone a kindness, have healed a wound, have taken on a challenge, have created something beautiful, have enjoyed breathing the air of existence.
Never doubt how precious, how vitally important you are.
Every moment you make a difference.
So today, appreciate yourself as a Random Act of Kindness.
-‐‑ Random Acts of Kindness
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