She felt like a failure.
We had a conversation to assess the issue and process the situation and how it went for her.
Her children are a 6-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son. The 6-year-old had gone to American public school for kindergarten, but the family was horrified when their child, 5 years old at the time, came home from kindergarten saying the f-word. Her behavior also changed overall, and she became more demanding and disrespectful at home, after her 1-year stint at public school.
After that year, the mom decided to try homeschooling.
But it did not go well.
Both kids were loud, rowdy, and disorderly when she'd try to sit them down for any kind of teaching. The 6-year-old daughter sulked and rolled her eyes and gave her mother the silent treatment, while the 5-year-old son ran around the house gleefully throwing stuff and generally refusing to cooperate.
How was she supposed to teach these little hellions??
She looked at me, needing answers.
I asked her about her children's habits and how she had generally raised and trained them. Not academically, but just basic tarbiya (تربية). Had she taught them obedience? Were there rules that she consistently enforced at home? Did the parents give the children consequences? Was there any sort of punishment for misdeeds, or was it total chaos? Were the children taught to show respect?
"Not really," she admitted. "I try! But it's very hard. I'm tired most of the time. I'm busy with the house work. I have errands to run. The kids whine and fuss and cry if they're not allowed to do something they want. So it's just easier to give in to them instead of fight them on it."
"Well, where is your husband in all this? Does their father help set limits or enforce rules?" I asked her.
"Ha! My husband is even more lax about parenting than I am! He lets them eat whatever they want, and even gives them his phone at the table so they agree to eat. He fights *me* about any rules I try to have for the kids! Right in front of them!! He says I'm too strict and that I shouldn't make them upset or cry. The kids hear him of course, and then later the kids would quote my husband's words back to me, threatening to tattle on me!"
There are multiple layers to this issue.
In order to successfully homeschool your children, three things must first be in place:
1. A solid husband-wife relationship of good communication: no fighting in front of the kids, spouses must be generally on the same page with tarbiya, present a united front always in front of the kids, don't undermine each other's parenting decisions or rules.
2. A solid parent-child relationship of healthy hierarchy: establish a firm foundation of love and trust from babyhood. Build a fun relationship of play, exploring the environment, etc as a toddler. Instill the value of obedience and total respect for parents from a very young age. Zero tolerance for defiance or disrespect or disobedience. Show (not only tell) your child that you are lovingly and firmly in charge, and they will follow. Create a healthy hierarchy in the family: parents then children. This creates a sense of stability and emotional security for children. Never allow your children to boss you around or control you as the parent.
3. Final stage: actual teaching of knowledge, Islamic and academic lessons.
Some people don't realize the prerequisites that are necessary first, and they just go straight into trying to homeschool.
But it doesn't go well.
The spouses are constantly undermining one another's efforts, accidentally sabotaging the entire project of good tarbiya. One parent is too soft on the kids, letting the 4-year-old pick what he wants to eat for any meal and how and where to eat it: couch? At the table? While running around the room playing? Candy? Chocolate cake? It's all allowed, without rules or limits. The other parent wants to be more strict but is doomed to fail because of the first parent's opposite style.
The real problem here is the total lack of harmony between husband and wife. The fundamental disagreement between the parents on exactly how to raise their children. One says left and the other says right. They will go nowhere.
Then the kids pick up on this dynamic and become spoiled and entitled, or defiant and rude. They play the parents off one another, trying to get their own selfish way in all things. Children as young as 4 or 5 years old manipulate their parents, threatening one parent that they'll tell the other parent things to get that parent "in trouble." Unbelievable.
Then, within this chaotic context of dysfunction, you expect to be able to teach your children Quran or Arabic or math or English?
How?
There is no foundation upon which to build anything real.
The first essential layer is missing: respect and agreement between the spouses.
And the second essential layer is also missing: respect for parental authority and adherence to hierarchy between children and parents.
Without these layers, the foundation is shaky and adding anything else, such as homeschool, will cause the entire unstable structure of the family to simply collapse.
May Allah grant us all strong husband-wife relationships, strong parent-child relationships, and facilitate for us the tarbiya of our children, ameen.
Umm Khalid
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