Many of you have serious problem with managing your anger. Here I suggest you to a massive collection of tips. This would give you opportunity to build your attitude and make you a complete person. Thanks for reading.
What’s Your
Anger Style?
Sixteen ways to manage your
frustration, whether you have a quick temper or a biting sense of humor.
By
Anger Style:
Explosive
What it looks like: "If you leave your jacket on the floor one
more time, I'm leaving you!" It may take a lot to push you over the
edge, but when you get there, the earth shakes and people run for cover.
Why you might do it: If you were never taught how to deal with
irritation, you may habitually swallow it until you can swallow no more.
Eventually your top will blow. Some people are anger junkies, who get off on
the adrenaline rush of an emotional explosion, not to mention the fact that the
onslaught can mean they get their way―at least in the short term.
The damage: It is virtually impossible to feel empathy and anger
simultaneously, so in the heat of the moment, you are more likely to say and do
overly harsh things that you later regret.
How to Turn It Around
- Wait it out. "Research has shown that the neurological
anger response lasts less than two seconds," says Ronald
Potter-Efron, Ph.D., an anger-management specialist in Eau Claire,
Wisconsin, and a coauthor of Letting Go of Anger. Beyond that, it
takes a commitment to stay angry. Mentally recite the Pledge of Allegiance
or count to 10 and see if the urge to explode has diminished.
- Own your emotions. A simple rephrasing of your feelings can help
you feel more in control. "I'm really upset by your behavior" is
much more effective and empowering than %#*&@!.
Anger Style:
Self-Abuse
What it looks like: "It's my fault he doesn't help me. I'm a
terrible wife." You find a way to make everything your fault, every
single time.
Why you might do it: Somewhere along the line, your self-esteem took a
beating and you decided that sometimes it's just safer and easier to be mad at
yourself than at someone else.
The damage: Constantly turning angry feelings inward can set you up for
continued disappointments and even depression.
How to Turn It Around
- Question yourself. Every time you feel the urge to assume blame,
start by asking yourself, "Who told me I was responsible for
this?" Then ask, "Do I really believe that?" Instead of
accepting all responsibility, thank yourself for recognizing the pattern
in the first place.
- Work on your self-worth. Make a list of your positive qualities.
Developing a genuine sense of worthiness is a critical step in overcoming
self-blame. Seek out a professional if you need more help in working
around this issue.
Anger Style:
Avoidance
What it looks like: "I'm fine. It's fine. Everything's fine."
Even when there's a fireball of rage burning in your gut, you paste on a happy
face and dodge any display of irritation. This isn't passive aggression; it's
buried aggression.
Why you might do it: "Women in particular are told over and over
again to be nice no matter what. Get angry and you could lose your reputation,
marriage, friends, or job," says Potter-Efron. If you grew up in a volatile
or abusive home, you may not believe anger can be controlled or expressed
calmly.
The damage: The primary function of anger is to signal that something is
amiss and encourage resolution. By ignoring that warning sign, you may end up
engaging in self-destructive behaviors (overeating, excessive shopping). You're
also basically giving the green light to other people's bad behavior or denying
them the opportunity to make amends. How can they apologize if they don't know
you've been hurt?
How to Turn It Around
- Challenge your core beliefs. Ask yourself, "Is it really fine for my
employees to leave early whenever they want? For my partner to go golfing
every weekend?" If you're honest, the resounding answer to these
questions is probably "You know what? It's not fine."
Recognizing that something is wrong is the first step to setting it
right.
- Step outside yourself. Imagine that a friend is the one being abused,
overworked, or neglected. What would be the appropriate way for her to
respond? Make a list of actions she might take, then ask yourself why it
is OK for her, but not you, to react that way.
- Embrace healthy confrontation. Someone ticked you off? Tell the person―in a
positive, constructive way. Yes, he or she might be surprised, possibly
even (gasp!) angered, by your words. And you know what? He or she will get
over it. "Avoidance often does more damage to families and
friendships than any expression of anger," says Potter-Efron.
Anger Style:
Sarcasm
What it looks like: "It's OK that you're late. I had time to
read the menu―40 times." You find a roundabout way of getting your
digs in, with a half smile.
Why you might do it: You were probably raised to believe that expressing
negative emotions directly isn't OK, so you take a more indirect route. If
folks get mad, it's their fault, not yours. After all, you were just kidding.
Can't people take a joke?
The damage: Even though couched in wit, your cutting comments can damage
your relationships. Although some people insist that mockery is a form of
intellectual humor, the very word sarcasm is related to the Greek word sarkazein,
meaning "to tear flesh like dogs." Ouch.
How to Turn It Around
- Give it to them straight. "Sarcasm is passive-aggressive
communication," explains Todd. Find words to express how you feel
head-on. You might explain to a tardy friend, say, after you're seated,
"I wish you would try to be on time, especially when you know we have
limited time."
- Be firm and clear. This is especially true with children, to whom
a gentle "Jumping on the furniture is not acceptable" sends a
much clearer message than the snarky "Don't worry―we just happen to
have $2,000 set aside for a new sofa."
- Speak up before you get bitter. Exercising assertiveness prior to arriving at
your breaking point can help prevent a sarcastic streak from popping out.
Anger Style:
Passive-Aggressive
What it looks like: "Oops. Did I delete all those old baseball
games from the TiVo?" You don't hide or swallow your anger, but you
express it in an underhanded way.
Why you might do it: You dislike confrontation, but you're no pushover,
either. "People become 'anger sneaks' when they believe they can't stand
up to others," says Potter-Efron. Some people who are cautious by nature
turn to this style when they feel pushed outside their comfort zones.
The damage: You frustrate people. Todd puts it another way: "You're
living your life around making sure other people don't get what they want,
instead of striving for what would make you happy." The bottom line: No
one wins.
How to Turn It Around
- Give yourself permission to get angry. Tell yourself that anger is your psyche's way
of saying you're tired of being pushed around. A mantra: Assertiveness is
fine; aggression (passive or otherwise) is not.
- Advocate for yourself. Instead of "forgetting" to turn in
your report at work or showing up late to meetings, gather your courage
and tell your boss that your workload has gotten too heavy or that you're
having an issue with a coworker. It won't be easy, but neither is looking
for another job.
- Take control. If you turn to passive aggression when you're
uncomfortable with what's expected of you, it's important to do something
to take the reins of your situation. Unable to manage the house or the
finances solo? Rather than doing a haphazard job of it (subconsciously, of
course), tell your partner how important it is that he contributes.
Anger Style:
Habitual Irritation
What it looks like: "I am sick and tired of you borrowing my
stapler! Get your own!" This is often less a reaction to events and
more a default option. It's always on unless you consciously turn it off.
Why you might do it: If your discontent dwells directly below the
surface and is constantly seeping through, there's probably resentment, regret,
or frustration boiling beneath. Maybe your coworker got the promotion and you
didn't. Or your marriage is falling apart and you're not sure why.
The damage: If you're always ready to blow, friends, family, and
coworkers may take great pains to avoid upsetting you. Or they may avoid you
altogether. The most likely result? No progress―you stay stuck in the same
vicious cycle.
How to Turn It Around
- Get to the heart of it. What are you really mad about? If you dig deep,
you'll realize it probably isn't about a stapler―or dirty socks on the
floor, or an empty milk carton in the refrigerator, or any of the other
small things that make you so frustrated. Consider professional
intervention if you can't get to the bottom of it on your own.
- Tune in to anger clues. Become aware of the actions and feelings
associated with your irritation. When you're enraged, do you ball your
hands into fists? Pace around the room? Grumble, swear, or grit your
teeth? As you identify and experience each physiological response, make a
mindful effort to do something―anything―else.
- Visualize peace. Try this technique to stop rising anger before
it overtakes you. Imagine your breath as a wave, a surge of color, or even
a breeze. Watch it come in and out; optimally each breath will be deep and
quiet. Hear yourself speaking calmly and softly to yourself and to others.
Your anger reflex should diminish another degree each time you do this
imaging.
Control your
anger
Anger and your health
Anger is a
normal, healthy emotion. But managing anger can be a problem for many
people who find it difficult to keep their anger under control.
Health
issues linked to unresolved anger include high blood pressure, heart
attack, depression, anxiety, colds, flu and problems with digestion.
But anger
doesn’t have to be a problem. “You can control your anger, and you have a
responsibility to do so,” says clinical psychologist Isabel Clarke, a
specialist in anger management. “It can feel intimidating, but it can be
energising too.”
Dealing with anger
“Everyone
has a physical reaction to anger,” says Isabel. “Be aware of what your body is
telling you, and take steps to calm yourself down.”
Recognise your anger signs
Your heart
beats faster and you breathe more quickly, preparing you for action. You might
also notice other signs, such as tension in your shoulders or clenching your
fists. "If you notice these signs, get out of the situation if you’ve got
a history of losing control,” says Isabel.
Count to 10
Counting to
10 gives you time to cool down so you can think more clearly and overcome
the impulse to lash out.
Breathe slowly
Breathe out
for longer than you breathe in, and relax as you breathe out. “You
automatically breathe in more than out when you’re feeling angry, and the trick
is to breathe out more than in,” says Isabel. “This will calm you down
effectively and help you think more clearly.”
Managing anger in the long term
Once you're able to recognise the signs that you’re
getting angry and can calm yourself down, you can start looking at ways to
control your anger more generally.
Exercise
can help with anger
Bring down your general stress levels with exercise and relaxation. Running, walking, swimming,
yoga and meditation are just a few of the activities that can help reduce
stress. "Exercise as part of your daily life is a good way to get rid of
irritation and anger,” says Isabel.
Looking
after yourself may keep you calm
Make time to relax regularly, and ensure that
you get enough sleep. Drugs and alcohol can make anger problems worse. “They
lower inhibitions, and actually we need inhibitions to stop us acting
unacceptably when we’re angry,” says Isabel.
Get
creative to get on top of your emotions
Writing, making music, dancing or painting
can release tension and help reduce feelings of anger.
Talk
about how you feel
Discussing your feelings with a friend can be
useful, and can help you get a different perspective on the situation.
Look
at the way you think
“Try to let go of any unhelpful ways of thinking,”
says Isabel. “Thoughts such as ‘It’s not fair,’ or ‘People like that
shouldn’t be on the roads,’ can make anger worse.”
Thinking like this will keep you focused on
whatever it is that’s making you angry. Let these thoughts go and it will
be easier to calm down.
Try to avoid using phrases that include:
- always (for example,
"You always do that.")
- never ("You never
listen to me.")
- should or shouldn't
("You should do what I want," or "You shouldn't be on
the roads.")
- must or mustn't ("I
must be on time," or "I mustn't be late.")
- ought or
oughtn't ("People ought to get out of my way.")
- not fair
Getting
help with anger
If you feel you need help dealing with your anger,
see your GP. There might be local anger management courses or counselling that
could help you.
Anger
management programmes
A typical anger management programme may involve
one-to-one counselling and working in a small group. The programmes can consist
of a one-day or weekend course. In some cases, it may be over a couple of
months.
Domestic
violence and anger
If uncontrolled anger leads to domestic violence
(violence or threatening behaviour within the home), there are places that
offer help and support. You can talk to your GP or contact domestic violence
organisations such as Refuge,
Women's
Aid or the Alternatives to Violence Project.
Men of any age can be victims of domestic violence
or abuse, in heterosexual or same-sex relationships. Help and support is
available from Men's Advice Line on 0808 801
0327 or Mankind
on 01823 334 244.
Anyone who needs confidential help with their own
abusive behaviour can contact Respect on their free helpline: 0808 802 4040.
How to Control Anger:
Seven Quick Tips
Some people are prone to rage more
often than others, but anger is a feeling that many of us could use a bit of
help in handling. The choices we make when angry can often come back to haunt
us, but the cycle can be hard to break. Anger has power—but there are healthy
and unhealthy ways to deal with that power, from letting it control you to
wielding it in a way that spurs you on to something positive. Here's how to
tame your inner raging bull:
1) Own It.
Pretending you're not angry—especially while exhibiting nearly cartoonish
physical signs of anger—does no good for you, the target of your anger, or your
blood pressure. Many people think that to acknowledge anger is the same as
acting inappropriately on it. That's simply not true, and the difference in
those two concepts is huge. Admitting that you are upset, whether to yourself,
or as calmly as possible to the person you're in conflict with ("I admit I
seem to be getting upset here. I want to resolve this and not do anything I
regret, so I am going to try to slow down.") can validate your feelings.
This in turn can help you feel more empowered toward working toward a solution,
and it will also diminish the conflict within yourself.
2) Break It Down.
So you're still simmering after your yearly review? If you jot down some of
your thoughts, whether with prehistoric pen and paper or with an app du jour,
you'll gain some clarity as to how they're serving as the antecedents to your
feelings. In the process, you can sort out why you're upset and what steps you
can take work through the situation. Perhaps most important, putting your
feelings into words can make them feel more tangible, and therefore more
manageable—which can eventually help them work their way out of your system.
3) Move It Out.
As physical signs go, anger can look very similar to other forms of arousal,
like anxiety or even excitement. Calming those physical impulses, or giving
them someplace useful to go, can help you get your anger under control. Slow
down your breathing through several long, deep breaths. Loosen your muscles
through clenching and unclenching your fists and slowly doing a neck roll. If
you can use that arousal for good rather than for clocking someone in the face,
you'll be better off. So channel that rage into an activity that can release
tension: running, kickboxing, dancing, jumping rope, or even just beating your
fists against your chest like a gorilla. A primal scream can be helpful if you
are blessed with the space. Instead of letting your frustration burn you up,
you can burn it off. And if it comes out in the shape of tears, or even demonic
laughter?
Just let it.
4) Find The Big Picture.
If you're still feeling steamed from that interaction with your colleague or
that snarky tone from the person in line at the coffee shop, it might be time
to make a list of the things you're grateful
for. Gratitude meditations, or just sitting and focusing on what's right in
your life, will make what you're angry about seem more molehill than mountain.
You might also choose to think about the person whom you think has wronged you,
and imagine what unique challenges they may be reacting to. Think about the
ways that they could use some empathy, and
try to mentally give it to them—that can often neutralize anger.
5) Share—carefully.
If there is a friend or loved one you trust, sharing your feelings with them can
sometimes be cathartic. But be aware that not everyone is equipped to hear
difficult feelings in a healthy, supportive way. Some might just not be good
listeners, and could just try to bottle up your emotions for you. Others might
try to fan the flames, like audiences in a gladiator match.
6) Act. If
someone drove poorly on the freeway, you'll simply move on, eventually. But if
you're part of a toxic relationship or the victim of a serial aggressor, you'll
need to do what you can to chart out steps to improve the situation. A specific
plan of action with methodical goals, and
the pathways to get there, can lend a very important sense of control, reducing
your stress and
increasing your peace.
7) Be Watchful.
Sometimes things may seem to be resolved, but rage still lingers residually, in
the form of irritability, insomnia, or
even depression.
Increasing your mindfulness
via your awareness in the moment of your thoughts and feelings, and the
triggers that seem to cause them, can serve as an early warning system for
future conflicts. It can also help you determine if your anger is due to
something deeper that could benefit from talking to a professional.
copyright Andrea Bonior, Ph.D.
Anger Management
Williams'
12 Strategies for Controlling Aggression
Anger
is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to
anything on which it is poured. – Mark Twain, American author
All of us experience anger from time to time. It's
a normal, commonly experienced emotion.
However, anger can be incredibly destructive if we
don't know how to control it. Frequent or misplaced anger can hurt our
reputations, destroy our relationships, limit our opportunities, and even
damage our health.
In this article, we'll look at what anger is, and
what its consequences can be. We'll also look at 12 strategies that we can use
to control anger and aggression.
Understanding
Anger
According to psychologist T.W. Smith, anger is
"an unpleasant emotion ranging in intensity from irritation or annoyance
to fury or rage."
Every day, we can experience things that could make
us angry. Common causes include feelings of:
- Frustration.
- Hurt.
- Harassment.
- Injustice, regardless of
whether real or perceived.
Other causes include:
- Requests or criticisms that
we believe are unfair.
- Threats to people, things,
or ideas that we hold dear.
People experience anger in different ways and for
different reasons. Something that makes you furious may only mildly irritate
someone else. This subjectivity can make anger difficult to understand and
manage. It also highlights that your response to anger is up to you.
Tip:
The
Dangers of Anger
An appropriate level of anger energizes us to take
proper actions, solve problems, and handle situations constructively.
However, uncontrolled anger leads to many negative
consequences, especially in the workplace. For instance, it can damage
relationships with our bosses and colleagues; and it can lead people to lose
trust and respect for us, especially when we react instantly and angrily to
something that we've misperceived as a threat.
Anger also clouds our ability to make good
decisions and find creative solutions to problems. This can negatively affect
our work performance.
Frequent anger poses health risks too. One study
found that people who get angry regularly are more likely to suffer from
coronary heart disease, eating disorders, and obesity. Research has also found a
correlation between anger and premature death. Further
studies have found that there is a link between anger and conditions
such as anxiety and depression.
Managing
Anger
We manage anger when we learn to defuse it before
it becomes destructive.
Below, we've outlined 12 strategies that you can
use to control anger when you experience it. These reflect an abridged version
of 17 strategies that Drs Redford Williams and Virginia Williams described in
their best-selling book, "Anger Kills."
1.
Acknowledge That you Have a Problem
If you find it difficult to manage your anger, the
first thing you need to do is to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that
you have a problem.
You can then make a plan to deal with it.
2.
Keep a Hostility Log
Do you know what causes your anger? Chances are,
you don't understand why you react angrily to some people or events.
Download our hostility log worksheet to
monitor the triggers and the frequency of your anger. When you know what makes
you angry, you can develop strategies to channel it effectively.
3.
Use Your Support Network
Let the important people in your life know about
the changes that you're trying to make. They can motivate and support you if
you lapse into old behaviors.
These should be give-and-take relationships. Put
some time aside every day to invest in these relationships, especially with
close friends and family. You need to be there for them, just as they're
willing to be there for you.
You can alleviate stress when you spend time with
people you care about. This also helps you control your anger.
4.
Interrupt the Anger Cycle
When you start to feel angry, try the following
techniques:
- Yell "Stop!"
loudly in your thoughts. This can interrupt the anger cycle.
- Use physical relaxation
techniques like deep breathing
or centering .
- Count to 20 before you
respond.
- Manage your negative
thoughts with imagery and positive
thinking .
- Close your office door or
find a quiet space, and meditate for
five minutes.
- Distract yourself from your
anger – visit your favorite website, play a song that you like, daydream
about a hobby that you enjoy, or take a walk.
Another approach is to consider the facts of the
situation, so that you can talk yourself out of being angry.
To use this strategy, look at what you can observe
about the person or situation, not what you're inferring about someone's
motivations or intentions. Does this situation deserve your attention? And is
your anger justified here?
When you look only at the facts, you'll likely
determine that it's unproductive to respond with anger.
5.
Use Empathy
If another person is the source of your anger, use empathy
to see the situation from his or her perspective.
Be objective here. Everyone makes mistakes, and it
is through mistakes that people learn how to improve.
6.
See the Humor in Your Anger
Learn to laugh at yourself and do not take
everything seriously. The next time you feel tempted to lash out, try to see
the humor in your expressions of anger.
One way to do this is to "catastrophize"
the situation. This is when you exaggerate a petty situation that you feel
angry about, and then laugh at your self-importance.
For example, imagine that you're angry because a
sick team member missed a day of work. As a result, a report you were depending
on is now late.
To catastrophize the situation, you think,
"Wow, she must have been waiting months for the opportunity to mess up my
schedule like this. She and everyone on the team probably planned this, and
they're probably sending her updates about how angry I'm getting."
Obviously, this grossly exaggerates the situation.
When you imagine a ridiculous and overblown version of the story, you'll likely
find yourself smiling by the end of it.
7.
Relax
Angry people let little things bother them. If you
learn to calm down, you'll realize that there is no real need to get upset, and
you'll have fewer angry episodes.
Regular exercise
can help you relax in tense situations. When possible, go for a walk, or
stretch and breathe deeply whenever you start to feel upset.
You will also feel more relaxed when you get
enough sleep
and eat a healthy diet.
Dehydration can often lead to irritability too, so
keep hydrated throughout the day by drinking plenty of water.
8.
Build Trust
Angry people can be cynical. They can believe that
others do things on purpose to annoy or frustrate them, even before anything
happens. However, people often focus less on you than you might think!
Build
trust
with friends and colleagues. That way, you'll be less likely to get angry with
them when something goes wrong. You'll also be less likely to attribute the
problem to malicious intent on their part.
To build trust, be honest with people. Explain your
actions or decisions when you need to, and always keep your word. If you do
this consistently, people will learn that they can trust you. They'll also
follow your lead, and you'll learn that you can trust them in return.
9.
Listen Effectively
Miscommunication contributes to frustrating
situations. The better you listen to what someone says, the easier it is to
find a resolution that doesn't involve an angry response.
So, improve your active
listening skills .
When others are speaking, focus on what they're saying, and don't get
distracted by formulating your response before they've finished. When they're
done speaking, show that you listened by reflecting back what they have just
said.
10.
Be Assertive
Remember, the word is "assertive," not
"aggressive." When you're aggressive, you focus on winning. You care
little for others' feelings, rights, and needs. When you're assertive, you
focus on balance. You're honest about what you want, and you respect the needs
of others.
If you're angry, it's often difficult to express
yourself clearly. Learn to assert
yourself
and let other people know your expectations, boundaries, and issues. When you
do, you'll find that you develop self-confidence, gain respect, and improve
your relationships.
11.
Live Each Day as if it's Your Last
Life is short. If you spend all of your time
getting angry, you're going to miss the many joys and surprises that life
offers.
Think about how many times your anger has destroyed
a relationship, or caused you to miss a happy day with friends and family.
That's time that you'll never get back.
However, you can prevent this from happening again
– the choice is yours.
12.
Forgive and Forget
To ensure that you make long-term changes, you need
to forgive people who have angered you.
It's not easy to forget past resentments, but the
only way to move on is to let go of these feelings. (Depending on what or who
is at the root of your anger, you may have to seek a professional's help to
achieve this.)
So, start today. Make
amends
with one person that you've hurt through your anger. It might be difficult, but
you'll feel better afterwards. Plus, you'll be one step closer to healing the
relationship.
Tip:
These strategies are only a general guide. If anger
continues to be a problem, you might need to seek the help of a suitably
qualified health professional, especially if your anger hurts others, or if it
causes you physical pain or emotional distress.
Key
Points
Anger is a powerful force that can jeopardize your
relationships, your work, and your health, if you don't learn to manage it
effectively.
To manage anger, acknowledge that you have a
problem, keep a hostility log, and build a support network based on trust.
Also, use techniques to interrupt your anger,
listen, empathize, be assertive with others, and learn to relax, as well as
laugh at yourself.
Finally, don't let anger get in the way of the joys
in life, and learn to forgive people that who make you angry.
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Hi
Midgie
Nothing in particular...its more according to the situation...but I think I'd
use it more in situations where the anger is sparked by people
whom I trust or am close to, or where i realize that the person on the other
side did a certain thing/spoke in a certain way without the intention of
harming/hurting....
Hi
Sudatta_dg,
Thanks for sharing your strategies like meditation and breathing. I also agree
that sometimes 'forgive and forget' are a good strategies. The key is deciding
when that is appropriate and when it is not.
Do you have any thoughts as to how you make your decision to 'forgive and
forget'?
Midgie
Helpful
read. I have personally found techniques like meditation, Reiki and breathing
exercises to be very effective in managing anger. Also, I feel your suggestion
"Forgive and Forget" works great!
Hi
Everyone
We’ve given this popular article a review, and the updated version is now at
http://www.mindtools.com/community/pages/article/newTCS_97.php
Discuss the article by replying to this post!
Thanks
James
I've
let anger and frustration get the better of me more than a few times. The work
of making amends is SO not worth the few seconds of pleasure an outburst gives
you!! I think I've been very good about keeping a lid on things and I have
developed an understanding with a colleague where she agrees to let me vent on
her and vice versa. It helps to talk about it with someone at work who you can
trust. That way I'm not burdening my family and friends with work crap and I
still have an opportunity to talk about it. Sometimes we look at ways to diffuse
the situation but more often it's just a great way to get something off my
chest with no judgment and no fear of reprisal.
Hi
Helena....
I read the article in detail. Really it is a very good article. Good insights
are given to cope with anger. I enjoyed reading the article and some of the
points have really driven me how to manage anger, whenever, i am emotional.
Kudos to mind tools to present such real life management tools.
Regards
Rao
Tips to Reduce Anger
Troubled
by the way your anger controls you rather than you controlling it? Looking for
an antidote to anger? Try Meditation!
Have you noticed that no matter how many times you
remind yourself that getting angry is not good, yet when the emotion comes you
are unable to control it. All through your childhood you have only learnt that
‘You should not get angry’ but the question remains ‘HOW not to get angry?’.
What do you do when this thunderstorm of emotions comes?
Well, let’s understand the root cause of anger and
simple tips by which you can manage it!
Understanding
Anger
Have you noticed that when you see imperfection
around you, you are unable to accept it? For instance when someone has done
something wrong, your anger rises like a wave and subsides, leaving you shaken
and sometimes with regret, isn’t it?
When we are angry, we are not aware. The first step
is to realize that anger cannot remove the imperfections. Next is to know that
only when we are able to accept the situation as it is, can we correct it with
awareness. You might think this is easier said than done. How do you achieve a
state of mind where these words become an experience? It is never easy to deal
with the mind or emotions directly. That is why we need the help of certain
techniques to help us.
There are three important aspects. If we address
these, we can manage anger.
- Restlessness in the body and
mind
- Past impressions of anger in
the mind which are strong
- Lack of awareness and
acceptance of imperfections (or mistakes
Let us look at these one by one.
Dealing
With Restlessness In The Body & Mind
You
are what you eat
Have you noticed that on certain days you feel very
calm and relaxed, and on some days very restless? This is because the food you eat greatly affects your mind
and your emotions. Certain types of food bring restlessness in the mind and
body. Avoiding such food will help you reduce anger. These foods mainly include
non-vegetarian, spicy and oily foods.
Experience
the power of rest!
How do you feel the next morning if you have not
slept well the night before? Do you tend to get angry more often? Tiredness and
restlessness in your body can lead to irritation and agitation in the mind.
Sleeping for at-least 6-8 hours a day is important. This ensures proper rest
for the body and mind and you are less likely to get agitated.
Yogic
twists are good!
Ten to fifteen minutes of yoga asanas will help
remove the restlessness in your body. Few rounds of Sun Salutations could be a
good way to begin with. The advantage of yoga asanas over just physical
exercise is that yoga asanas are synchronised with the breath and increase your
energy levels along with providing the necessary physical stretches.
Says Priyam Khanna, “On certain days when
I am too stressed out, I feel a lot of stiffness in my body. This makes me very
restless and agitated and I tend to get angry very easily. Yoga removes
stiffness from the body and the result is a relaxed and happy mind.”
Make
mind your best friend
Pranayamas such as Bhastrika and Nadi Shodhan help
reduce the restlessness in the mind. When the mind is calm and quiet, you are
less likely to get agitated and angry.
Your
all time antidote
Taking a few deep breaths in and out will instantly
help you drop anger. The moment you become angry, close your eyes and take a
few deep breaths and observe the change in your state of mind. Breath releases
stress and helps your mind calm down.
A
20-minute journey within
Regular practice of yoga, pranayama and attention
to food help to settle the restlessness, but how to sustain a calm and balanced
state of mind? Meditating regularly is your answer. Just twenty minutes of
daily meditation is sufficient for the whole day.
Have
you hmmed?
“Meditation keeps me calm and away from
my anger,” shares Surbhi Sharma
This is another instant antidote to anger. Doing
the Hmm process takes one to two minutes but will immediately make you calmer.
Watch the video to learn how to do the hmmm process.
Eight Simple Anger
Management Tips
By David Leonhardt
"The other night I ate at a real family
restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
One of the biggest obstacles to personal and career
success is anger. When we fail to control our anger, we suffer several blows:
- Anger impedes our ability to
be happy, because anger and happiness are incompatible.
- Anger sends marriages and
other family relationships off-course.
- Anger reduces our social
skills, compromising other relationships, too.
- Anger means lost business,
because it destroys relationships.
- Anger also means losing
business that you could have won in a more gracious mood.
- Anger leads to increased
stress (ironic, since stress often increases anger).
- We make mistakes when we are
angry, because anger makes it harder to process information.
People are beginning to wake up to the dangers of
anger and the need for anger management skills and strategies. Many people find
anger easy to control. Yes, they do get angry. Everybody does. But some people
find anger easier to manage than others. More people need to develop anger
management skills.
Develop
your anger management skills
For those who have a tough time controlling their
anger, an anger management plan might help. Think of this as your emotional
control class, and try these self-help anger management tips:
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #1
Ask yourself this question: "Will the object of my anger matter ten years
from now?" Chances are, you will see things from a calmer perspective.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #2
Ask yourself: "What is the worst consequence of the object of my
anger?" If someone cut in front of you at the book store check-out, you
will probably find that three minutes is not such a big deal.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #3
Imagine yourself doing the same thing. Come on, admit that you sometimes cut in
front of another driver, too ... sometimes by accident. Do you get angry at
yourself?
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #4
Ask yourself this question: "Did that person do this to me on
purpose?" In many cases, you will see that they were just careless or in a
rush, and really did not mean you any harm.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #5
Try counting to ten before saying anything. This may not address the anger
directly, but it can minimize the damage you will do while angry.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #6
Try some "new and improved" variations of counting to ten. For
instance, try counting to ten with a deep slow breathe in between each number.
Deep breathing -- from your diaphragm -- helps people relax.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #7
Or try pacing your numbers as you count. The old "one-steamboat-two-steamboat,
etc." trick seems kind of lame to me. Steamboats are not the best devices
to reduce your steam. How about
"One-chocolate-ice-cream-two-chocolate-ice-cream", or use something
else that you find either pleasant or humorous.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #8
Visualize a relaxing experience. Close your eyes, and travel there in your
mind. Make it your stress-free oasis.
One thing I do not recommend is "venting"
your anger. Sure, a couple swift blows to your pillow might make you feel
better (better, at least, than the same blows to the door!), but research shows
that "venting" anger only increases it. In fact, speaking or acting
with any emotion simply rehearses, practices and builds that emotion.
If these tips do not help and you still feel you
lack sufficient anger management skills, you might need some professional help,
either in the form of a therapist specializing in anger management or a coach
with a strong background in psychology.
Anger Management Skills and
Techniques
The
anger management skills, techniques, and strategies
that are taught in Dr. Becourtney’s anger management
program
are largely based on the work of Dr. Tony Fiore
and Dr. Ari Novick. Detailed information pertaining to
their
eight anger control tools can be found in their acclaimed
book, Anger Management for the 21st Century.
The following is a summary of Dr. Fiore and Dr. Novick’s
eight anger management techniques:
Anger Management Technique #1 — Recognize
Stress.
This anger control tool emphasizes the importance of
understanding how stress underlies anger and how to
reduce stress before it turns into anger.
Anger Management Technique #2 — Develop
Empathy.
This anger control skill focuses on the relationship between
empathy and anger management and how one can reduce
his/her anger by learning how to see things from the
perspective of others.
Anger Management Technique #3 — Respond Instead
of React.
This anger management technique enables one to respond
rather than automatically react to anger/stress
triggers.
Human beings have the capacity to choose how to express
their anger and therefore can learn new ways to more
effectively communicate their needs, feelings or requests.
Anger Management Technique #4 — Change That
Conversation With Yourself.
This anger control technique involves learning to recognize
and modify one’s inner conversations. Learning to change
that “self-talk” empowers you to deal with anger more
effectively in terms of how strongly you feel the anger, how
long you hold onto your anger, and how you express your
anger.
Anger Management Technique #5 — Communicate
Assertively.
This anger management skill is about being able to
honestly and effectively communicate how you feel and to
respond to things without getting angry or hostile about it.
Anger Management Technique #6 — Adjust
Expectations.
Anger is often triggered by a discrepancy between what we
expect and what we get. Learning to adjust those
expectations—sometimes upward and other times
downward—can help us cope with difficult situations or
people or even cope with ourselves.
Anger Management Technique #7 — Forgive, but
Don't Forget!
Resentment is a form of anger that does more damage to
the holder than the offender. Making a decision to “let
go”
(while still protecting ourselves) is often a process of
forgiveness—or at least acceptance—and a major step
toward anger control.
Anger Management Technique #8 — Retreat and
Think Things Over!
This anger management tool consists of removing yourself
from the situation and taking a temporary “time-out” while
sticking to some basic rules that are described in Dr. Fiore
and Dr. Novick’s acclaimed book, Anger Management for
the 21st Century.
Anger
management: 10 tips to tame your temper
Keeping your temper in check can be challenging.
Use simple anger management tips — from taking a timeout to using "I"
statements — to stay in control.
Do you fume when someone cuts you off in traffic?
Does your blood pressure rocket when your child refuses to cooperate? Anger is
a normal and even healthy emotion — but it's important to deal with it in a
positive way. Uncontrolled anger can take a toll on both your health and your
relationships.
Ready to get your anger under control? Start by
considering these 10 anger management tips.
1.
Think before you speak
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say
something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts
before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the
same.
2.
Once you're calm, express your anger
As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your
frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and
needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.
3.
Get some exercise
Physical activity can help reduce stress that can
cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk
walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.
4.
Take a timeout
Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short
breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of
quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without
getting irritated or angry.
5.
Identify possible solutions
Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on
resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy?
Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals
later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind
yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.
6.
Stick with 'I' statements
To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might
only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem.
Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the
table without offering to help with the dishes," instead of, "You
never do any housework."
7.
Don't hold a grudge
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger
and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find
yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you
can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation.
It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times.
8.
Use humor to release tension
Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor
to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic
expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can
hurt feelings and make things worse.
9.
Practice relaxation skills
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to
work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a
calming word or phrase, such as, "Take it easy." You might also
listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes
to encourage relaxation.
10.
Know when to seek help
Learning to control anger is a challenge for
everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems
out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.
16 tips
If you are patient in one moment of
anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.
Chinese Proverb
Anger could cause big problems. A problem that is
small in the beginning could become bad if we handle it with anger. Not only
will the situation itself get worse, our relationships with others could also
deteriorate. In short, handling something with anger won’t make things better.
That’s why it’s essential to control anger. By
controlling anger we will be able to handle problems with calm. We can then
exercise our wisdom and judgment to the problem at hand to achieve the best
possible solution. Being someone who sometimes gets angry, there are some tips
I find useful on dealing with anger. Here they are – choose the ones that work
for you:
1.
Take a deep breath
Taking a deep breath is an easy way to calm your
nerves. It will be easier for you to do the other tips when your anger has
subsided.
2. Drink a glass of water
It’s also an easy way to calm your nerves.
3. Take a bath
I know it is not possible in many circumstances,
but if you can do it the effect is immediate.
4. Don’t speak while you are angry
If you did so you may speak harshly to others and
that could be something you regret. There is a nice quote about it:
When angry, count ten before you speak;
if very angry, a hundred.
Thomas Jefferson
5. Listen to what people say
Continuing the previous tip, not only should we not
speak while we are angry, we should also learn to listen. Pay attention and try
to understand the point the other person makes.
6. Take a walk
Changing your situation is a good way to overcome
anger. One way to do so is by taking a walk outside.
7. Pray or meditate
Praying or meditating is an effective way to calm
your nerve. It could help you regain your inner peace.
8. Listen to calming music
My favorite is instrumental music since it seems to
have better calming effect but you can use whatever music that works for you.
9. Have realistic expectations
Sometimes we are angry simply because we have
unrealistic expectations toward others. Make sure that your expectations are
realistic. You can’t expect other people to be like you.
10. Realize that nobody is perfect
Everybody can make mistake including you. Realizing
this will make it easier for you to understand when someone makes mistakes.
11. See from the other person’s
perspective
One way to do that is by asking yourself: “How do I
feel if I’m in his or her position?”
12. Tell a wise friend
Sometimes you just need to talk about it with a
wise friend. He or she can help you see the problem in the right perspective.
Just be careful to choose the right person.
13. Look at the positive side
This is a habit you should build. The habit of
looking at the positive side will help you look at many situations in
constructive ways.
14. Exercise
You can control anger by directing your energy to a
different direction so that it’s no longer available for anger. A good
candidate is exercising.
15. Learn to forgive
If you release forgiveness you will no longer have
reasons to angry to someone else. You can then focus on positive ways to solve
the problem.
16. Think in long term
Often we are angry because we see too near to the
future and do not think about the implications in the long term. By seeing in
the long term we will be able to see the consequences of anger. There’s a quote
I love about it:
When anger rises, think of the consequences.
Confucius
Anger illness: 10 tips
for self-control
Psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow
offers some advice to help moms control anger and create a healthier
environment for their kids
For many mothers angry outbursts and
uncontrollable rage are a part of their everyday lives, and much of it is
directed at their kids. It’s known as "the anger illness." But what
can you do to end the anger? Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatrist and host of “The
Dr. Keith Ablow Show,” and he was invited to appear on “Today” to offer some
advice. Read more of his tips below:
The Anger Illness
Dr. Keith’s Ten Tips for Self-Control
Know your anger well enough to stop it.
Is the first sign of losing your temper when your pulse starts to race?
When you get tongue-tied? When your fists clench? The moment your rage starts
to build, stop what you’re doing and head to a safe place in your house. Close
your eyes, take deep breaths, and give yourself 30 seconds to calm down. And
during those 30 seconds remind yourself that you’re battling an illness — the
anger illness — not your kids.
Catch yourself with a few catch phrases.
Come up with a few “catch phrases” to calm you down at moments when you
feel your anger starting to build. Use them like your personal mantra. “He’s
only six,” is a good one. So are: “She’s just a kid.” “You’ll feel bad
later if you blow up.” “Be the best mother you can be.” Talk to yourself.
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Think about explaining your behavior to
your child when he or she is an adult.
Really picture trying to explain screaming or hitting your son or daughter to
your son or daughter, years from now. That alone can be a sobering
thought that keeps your anger from erupting.
Think tug-of-war: If you lose focus, you
lose the game.
Assume you are in a real battle to stay in control (because you are). It’s
you against your temper, and you really want to win. And remind yourself that
winning brings respect from your kids and your spouse — not to mention,
self-respect.
Let yourself laugh — at them, at yourself
and at life.
Kids test your patience. They throw things, run around, ask question after
question. If you admit from the start that you can’t control them completely,
or sometimes at all, you’ll be less upset when they spill something or touch
something they shouldn’t or ask for a toy 50 times.
Ask your kids for help.
Let them take care of you a little bit. It’s okay. Kids will respond much
more to sincere requests for help than to angry outbursts. It isn’t about
laying a guilt trip on your kids, it’s about sparking their empathy. Try these
out: “I can’t get you to school at all if you won’t get dressed and that would
make me really sad.” “If you don’t get in the car we’ll be late and then I’ll
feel like I did a bad job as a mommy.” “When you don’t clean up your room it
makes me think you don’t care about my feelings very much.”
Look in the mirror.
Literally. When you feel angry, look at yourself in the mirror. It won’t be
a pretty picture. It’s actually pretty hard to stay enraged when you’re staring
yourself in the face.
Throw some cold water on it.
Wash your face with cold water when things are heating up. It’ll calm you
down.
Breathe through it.
Deep breath — in and out — will actually help you stay in control. That’s
why we tell kids who are crying to take deep breaths. It makes a difference.
Tell someone about it.
Don’t reach for your kid, reach for your phone. Call a trusted friend or
your partner. Tell that person you’re at wits end and really need to hear
something to calm you down. Chances are, you will — a joke or a few kind words
— that will really help.
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