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I show my children respect.
Even though I am the parent and they are the children.
Even though I am older and they are much younger.
Even though I am in charge of them and they are under my guardianship and my control.
Still. I try to treat every one of my children, even a 4- or 5-year-old, with basic respect and decency.
I always use words of courtesy like "please," "thank you," and "excuse me." I quickly say "sorry" to my children when I'm wrong. (لو سمحت- شكرا - عفوا - آسفة)
I try not to constantly interrupt the children as they're speaking.
I try to regulate my tone and the volume of my voice when speaking to my children.
Because though they are only children, and *my* children, I do not *own* them. They aren't really "mine." I don't own them. I carried each of them for nine months, I gave birth to them, I nursed them for years. My DNA, my blood and tissue and nutrients went from my body and into their bodies when they were still forming inside the womb.
But I did not create these children. Allah did.
They are independent human beings separate from me.
Parents, your children are their own people, not merely extensions of yourself.
There are some parents who think of their children as nothing, as mere objects with utility like a phone or a dish or a car. They don't see their children as real people. Their kids "don't count," so they can be treated any old way without consequence. They can disrespect or disregard their children with impunity.
Their belief is: "I MADE you! So I own you. You are nothing without me. You are...nothing."
So this type of parent will bark orders at the children, never once saying "please." This type of parent will make many, often unreasonable, demands, and they will never say "Thank you" to the children who scramble to comply. This type of parent simply refuses to ever apologize when they are wrong, never admitting mistakes or acknowledging the right of the child on them. Even when the parent realizes that they've wronged or oppressed their child, they don't think the child deserves an apology because it's "only a child."
This type of upbringing wreaks havoc upon the children's psyche.
Not only in the moment, as the aggressive "parenting" style is being applied to the young child in day-to-day life.
But also when that child has grown to adulthood.
Aside from the short-term pain, there is much deeper and more damaging long-term impact.
These children will grow into sad, hesitant adults with weak personalities, riddled with insecurities and internal problems. The baggage from their childhood is heavy. It leads to all sorts of dysfunction.
These children grow up believing that they aren't "real people," that they "don't count," that they are owed nothing and should have zero expectations in relationships or social interactions. So they often become doormats, letting others freely walk all over them. They become people pleasers. They don't acknowledge their own needs or know their own feelings. They mute their own pain. They become easy targets for others to prey upon, take advantage of, and manipulate.
Having never seen respect or basic courtesy modeled for them by their parents, some become rude and disrespectful themselves, mimicking the disrespect they themselves have always known. They don't know how to act or speak to people any other way. They become guarded, hardened cynics that others don't want to be around.
It takes people years, often decades, to heal from such aggressive childhoods and get over their abrasive parents. The emotional, mental, psychological, and even physical toll requires years of hard inner work to undo.
The reality is that any human relationship is a two-way street. The two parties involved in the relationship *both* have rights and responsibilities. So the parents have rights of course (بر الوالدين, excellence to parents), but so do the children.
Parents, you do not own your children. They are not your personal slaves.
We are all, parents and children alike, slaves of Allah.
And Allah has created each and every one of us human beings with inherent dignity and honor which cannot be violated.
وَلَقَدْ كَرَّمْنَا بَنِىٓ ءَادَمَ وَحَمَلْنَـٰهُمْ فِى ٱلْبَرِّ وَٱلْبَحْرِ وَرَزَقْنَـٰهُم مِّنَ ٱلطَّيِّبَـٰتِ وَفَضَّلْنَـٰهُمْ عَلَىٰ كَثِيرٍۢ مِّمَّنْ خَلَقْنَا تَفْضِيلًۭا
"And We have certainly honored the children of Adam and carried them on the land and sea and provided for them of the good things and preferred them over much of what We have created, with [definite] preference." (Surat Al-Isra, 70)
Each one of us children of Adam was created and born with an inherent dignity that cannot be stripped away, not even by the parents we were born to.
Parents, your children are an amanah, أمانة, a trust from Allah. They are a gift, هبة , to you from Allah.
Show gratitude to Allah for His نعمة , blessing, by treasuring your children and treating them with appropriate love, mercy, and basic respect.
- Umm Khalid
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