Letting children to grow

Parents, learn to let go a bit as your child gets older and develops into his or her own person. 

Allow your child more room to speak, to act, to decide certain things as that child leaves childhood and enters adulthood with increasing maturity. 

I was talking to a young woman in her mid-twenties recently, and she asked me a strange question: 

"What's your favorite animal?"

I didn't mind the question at all, but I was slightly surprised. I don't often have conversations with adults that involve favorite animals. Usually this favorite-animal question is a favorite subject of my kids. 

"Umm, maybe a tiger," I said unconvincingly. 

One of my children, who was standing nearby, quickly corrected me. My favorite animal is a lynx, he reminded me patiently. This is the animal I always pick whenever we play animal games, for at least the past four or five years. 

I laughed and agreed with him, and turned to my twenty-something friend to tell her that a lynx is a small variety in the big-cat family and I like it because it has funny tufts on its ears and a funny name. 

"What's your favorite animal?" I asked her, still laughing. 

"A parrot," she replied immediately, looking solemn.

"Parrots are so pretty and colorful," I said. "Is that why it's your favorite?"

"No. A parrot can fly. It's free to go where it wants. And it can talk." 

It was not what she said, but what she left unsaid. 

It was the sad, serious look in her eyes, a look for wistfulness and yearning. 

It was the subtext of her words. 

I thought back quickly to our earlier conversations, and it struck me that this poor young lady had a mother who was a bit controlling and overly dictatorial. In a rush, I remembered this girl telling me that her mother opposed her desire for marriage, dictated to her what career to have, and made other decisions for her. 

This young woman is a quiet, agreeable person by nature, disliking confrontation and conflict. She is a young Muslim daughter who, correctly, wants to respect and obey her parents for the reward of بر الوالدين , the Islamic command of excellence toward parents. 

And her parents love her and care about her well-being, and out of their very natural parental concern, they are involved in her life. 

All good things, all normal and natural instincts. 

But where do things get blurry? Where do problems begin to arise?

When parents fail to recognize that, inevitably, their child is no longer a child and has the right to a little bit more leeway, a bit more room to be able to think for herself or himself. 

When parents refuse to acknowledge the increased maturity and growing experience of their now-adult child, and insist on still treating the son or daughter the same way they treated them when they were young children. 

When parents feel the natural parental urge to protect their children but take that way too far, in the process trampling their grown child's individuality, personality, normal autonomy and ability to make decisions. 

Now, don't misunderstand. I am not advocating for people to just "throw off the shackles" of tradition and forget about their parents because "freedom!" and "independence!" 

No. These are vacuous liberal secular talking points, designed to estrange children from parents and weaken the family unit. 

This is not what we Muslims maintain. 

But we certainly have the concept of age-appropriate tarbiya and we understand the natural progression of human development. 

The famous statement attributed to `Ali ibn Abi Talib or to `Abdul-Malik ibn Marawan states, 

داعِب ولدك سبعًا ، وأدِّبه سبعًا ، وعلِّمه سبعًا ، ثم اترك حبله على غاربه.

"Play with your child for seven years, then discipline/ instruct him for seven years, then teach him for seven years. Then, after that, leave him be."

This doesn't mean that after the age of 21, the child is an unfettered free agent who has no duty to his parents, or that parents should ignore or abandon their child after the age of 21. 

It just points to the very real need that grown children have for some space, some room to breathe, some trust on the part of the parents in the now-adult child to think and decide and act. 

It is often hard for parents to surrender control, to let go, to step back. 

Out of love and care, parents want to hold on, to keep clutching the reigns, to cling more tightly as they feel their child grow older and begin to slide away. This is a natural feeling.

But there comes a time when parents must acknowledge that their children are now grown, and recognize their adult children's need for some privacy and freedom and personal responsibility. I know that this isn't easy and can come with sad, bittersweet feelings. 

Parents, do not push too hard or cling too tight or control too much as your children reach adulthood. This will only end up pushing the child with a headstrong personality to rebel and the child with a meeker personality to silently wish to be a parrot, yearning for wings with which to fly and a voice with which to speak.

- Umm Khalid