How mistakes are rectified

When my kids were very young, maybe four or five years old, I taught them this hadith: 

كلُّ بني آدم خَطَّاءٌ، وخيرُ الخَطَّائِينَ التوابون.

"Every child of Adam makes [many, repeated] mistakes, and the best of those who make constant mistakes are those who turn in constant tawba/ repentance." 

I went to great lengths to explain the meaning of this hadith. To extract the lessons from it. To give specific examples from our daily life, on their childish level so they can easily understand. 

If one of my sons hit his brother or took his toy, or if they broke something of mine, or if they made any other mistake as young children do, I'd call out the mistake, then sit them all down and have a session of talking about this hadith. 

Sometimes the child who hit his brother or broke the toy would *himself* start crying, or be stubbornly unwilling to admit his mistake, or mumble a fake apology. 

"Are you a son of Adam?" I'd ask my son. 

He would start to smile despite himself. He knows he is the son of Daniel, not Adam. So I'd narrate the story of Prophet Adam عليه السلام and how we are all his progeny. That we are a creation of Allah that is very different from الملائكة, the angels, and الجن, the jinn, and الحيوانات , the animals. We are Banu Adam. 

"So are you the son of Adam, then?" I'd ask again. 

"Yes!" my son would laugh, delighted by the idea. 

"Me too," I'd say. "And so is your brother. We all are! So...do you make mistakes?" I'd ask. 

"Yes!" my son would giggle, nodding excitedly. 

"Me too. And that's okay. It's normal to make mistakes. If we never made any mistakes, we'd be ملائكة! Angels! So this is totally normal for us. But we can't just be happy about our mistake, of course. Is there anything we have to do?" I say. 

"We have to do توبة, tawba. Repentance," they would answer, buzzing with enthusiasm at knowing the correct answer. 

"Excellent," I would confirm. "Tawba means to regret the wrong we did, then ask Allah to forgive us. We say أستغفر الله. And if we hurt another person [I would point to his brother sitting next to him], then we apologize. We work out the problem and everyone feels better, and we move on. And next time, we try to do better and apologize again for the next mistake. Mistakes will happen. It's how we address them. 

Making mistakes doesn't mean we are bad people or that we can never change. This is what this hadith teaches us."

I consider this one of the most important ahadith to teach young children. 

It lays the foundation for our relationship with Allah, our relationship with ourselves, and our relationships with others.

It gives us the roadmap, the path for redemption, the key to finding our way back after a mistake. 

Forgiveness. 

Seeking it, giving it, and receiving it. 

In some families, there is no forgiveness. 

Some people grow up in dysfunctional families where forgiveness has no place; there are only recriminations, accusations, endless blame. 

Right or wrong, the child is always wrong and must apologize to the parent. Then, after apologizing, the apology is rejected and scorned, because apologies are just empty words that mean nothing. The child learns to beg, plead, grovel, cry for a crumb of forgiveness from the unforgiving parent. 

And finally, some twisted form of "forgiveness" comes, but it is very temporary and conditional. Upon the next mistake the child makes, he gets beaten over the head again with both the newest and the old mistake. Nothing is forgotten. Nothing is forgiven. The parent is emotionally unstable and internally immature, unable to heal from his or her own wounds to be able to raise a child well. 

After years and decades of this, that child internalizes this dysfunction. He starts to truly believe that if he messes up or makes a mistake or wrongs another, he MUST punish himself severely and hate himself and never, ever forgive himself. He does not know any other blueprint.

Then the child grows into an adult. He thinks of himself as perfectly healthy, totally normal. Not realizing he has immemse baggage, mired in his inner world of endless guilt, constant self-blame, self-torture, harsh contempt, deep self-loathing. A black pit of despair masked by obsessive perfectionism. 

Then, of course, there is marriage and then children. The now-grown child is now a husband or a wife, a mother or a father. 

As soon as the spouse messes up, the old cycle is activated and the now-grown child automatically re-enacts what he had learned growing up: no forgiveness. 

He is as unforgiving as he was unforgiven.

The marriage suffers and starts to crumble under such severe conditions. Love wanes between the spouses. The "love and mercy" ( مودة ورحمة ) Allah specifically mentioned in the Quran for marriage isn't shown. 

Worse still, the children grow up starved for love, crushed under the severity and harshness of being unforgiven. They, in turn, start to learn what the parent also learned growing up: there is no forgiveness. 

You inflict the same pain on your children that your parents inflicted on you. Which your grandparents had inflicted on your parents. And so on. 

The cycle of dysfunction reverberates through the generations. 

Break this sad, unhealthy cycle. 

Teach your children about the vast forgiveness of Allah: المغفرة.

The wide mercy of Allah: الرحمة.

The willingness of Allah to turn to whomever turns to Him in repentance: التوبة.

These realities are so beautiful. So healing. So refreshing, after lifetimes of their opposites. 

Next, show your child forgiveness in action, displayed in day-to-day life. 

1. Teach your child self-awareness and acceptance of reality: we are human beings, and human beings make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Perfection is only for Allah. We, on the other hand, are the children of Adam. Mistake-makers. Accept this. 

2. Teach your child to forgive easily, by forgiving him easily when he messes up. Be loving, generous, and kind as you forgive to show him what it looks like to forgive others. 

3. Teach your child to forgive himself when he makes a mistake or falls short. Stop him from being too hard on himself, overly agonizing over mistakes made or wrongs committed. Don't obsessively beat yourself up over a mistake. Learn and move on. 

4. Teach your child to ask the forgiveness of others when he wrongs them. Tell him he must acknowledge the wrong he did. Take responsibility without making excuses or hiding behind defensiveness. Teach him that to apologize to someone when we're wrong doesn't lessen our status or weaken our position. 

5. Teach your child to forgive others who wrong him, not necessarily for their sake, but more for his own. Forgiving others frees us from the burden of blame and hate. If someone makes an honest mistake or wrongs us inadvertently, we forgive him easily and generously, and resume our friendship / relationship. And if someone wrongs us deliberately or egregiously, we can still forgive them without necessarily forgetting the issue or falling for it again. A Muslim is intelligent and wise. 

6. Teach your child to ask for Allah's forgiveness when he makes a mistake or commits a sin. Teach him the basics: don't advertise your sin if Allah has shielded you. Ask Allah privately for mercy and forgiveness. Don't give up or stop making du`a. Don't ever lose hope. As long as you are still breathing and as long as the sun is still rising from the east, Allah's mercy and forgiveness are available. Allah forgives all sins. No sin is "too big" or "too bad" to be forgiven by Allah. Shaytan wants you to think this way, so don't listen. 

Children need to be taught these principles. These principles will govern their relationships with other people, with themselves, and with their Creator. 

May Allah grant us His forgiveness and mercy, ameen.

- Umm Khalid