People usually tell newlyweds what to do in marriage, when giving marriage advice. But sometimes, it's about what you DON'T do.
1. Don't ever call your spouse names, even in a fight. After the fight ends, he/ she will usually remember the names you called them and internally hold on to that hurt, which will damage the relationship.
2. Don't ever swear or use cuss words or foul language. (In marriage or in general. A Muslim is one who does not use filthy language, as we learn in the hadith.) This deteriorates the quality of your relationship.
3. Don't ever act in a way that gives your spouse reason to doubt your fidelity or loyalty. It creates doubt in the mind that chips away at the trust that is the basis of the relationship. (Islamic rules, followed well, take care of this point: lower the gaze غض البصر, no khalwa خلوة, no tabarruj تبرج, no ikhtilat اختلاط, no zina زنى.)
4. Don't show your spouse flagrant disrespect, even in the height of anger. Especially for a wife: always remember that the #1 thing your husband needs from you, above all else, is respect. Have enough self-control to restrain yourself from showing disrespect to him to show your anger.
5. Don't ever betray your spouse's trust by blabbing his/ her secrets to others. Don't disclose private information in the marriage to anyone else. Your spouse trusts you and you don't want to do anything to break that trust. Once gone, it's gone.
6. Don't complain to others about your marital problems or fights, unless it's a VERY trusted wise person who can help you address a specific problem. Within the range of normal, marriage problems are just a part of any healthy marriage. Fights, spats, arguments, disagreements are all a normal part of marriage. Don't go running to your parents or your sister or your friends every time you have conflict with your spouse. Once you and your spouse make up and patch things up, you'll forget the fight and just move on. But your relatives and friends won't. This will bias these people in your life against your spouse and cause deep rifts.
7. Don't embarrass your spouse publicly. Don't make jokes at his/ her expense in a social setting, to make others laugh and then say "I was just kidding lol." Don't make your spouse feel humiliated or look foolish in front of others. The pain of being publicly shamed is one that is usually hard to forgive or get over in a marriage.
8. Don't share too many of the cute things your spouse said or did all the time with others, even your friends. Don't share too many details of the romance, the love-dovey gestures, the adorable compliments or the expensive gifts he or she gives you. Not everyone is your friend or wishes you well. Jealousy is a real thing, and you don't know the reality of what's in people's hearts. Protect your happy marriage from envy and recite Surat Al-Falaq and Surat An-Nas to guard against hasad, الحسد. The evil eye exists, so don't be naive.
9. Don't hang out too much with single friends if they aren't understanding or considerate of your married status. As a married person, your first commitment is to your spouse. Sometimes your single friends may not understand that, and may get mad at you any time you don't go somewhere with them or can't attend a social event or decline some party invitation because your spouse wants/ needs you home. The single friends may start resenting you for it, making passive aggressive remarks or saying rude or unkind things to you. Lose this pettiness and tension. You don't need this kind of stress on your marriage.
10. For the wives: be very careful about having divorced friends. This may sound like a controversial point, but I've seen this happen too many times: a married woman has a best friend who's divorced. Or worse, an entire social circle of divorcees. Not always, but sometimes, these divorced women will be bitter about their divorce, annoyed with the idea of a husband, and negative about marriage in general. They also, on top of this, may even harbor private feelings of jealousy or rancor in their heart about your smooth marriage or your kind husband, so different from their own experience. After years of interaction and close friendship, some married women get so heavily influenced by their bitter divorced friends that it starts affecting the quality of the marriage or how they treat their husband. This, in the end, may lead to your own divorce, and you may end up joining those same divorced friends as a bitter divorcee yourself. (Note: not every divorced person feels or acts this way, just some.)
Bonus #11: Don't go a day without connecting genuinely with your spouse, even if it's brief and short. But make effort, make time, make a commitment to bond with your spouse every single day, with just a real smile, sustained eye contact, a non-auopilot conversation even if it's short and you're both tired. When life hits, and the kids are young and clingy, and work is hectic and stressful, and someone has an illness, and the bills and expenses pile up, and relatives need help, and friends cause drama, it's very easy to lose track of your spouse. It's easy for your marriage to be on the back burner and just stay there indefinitely, neglected and abandoned. You both feel busy and exhausted, stretched to the max. But even despite all of life's obligations and responsibilities, find a moment after the kids are in bed and work is done and people are away, to connect with your equally tired spouse. You are both starved for comfort, connection, solace. Give a genuine smile, a long hug, a soft comforting touch. Talk about your day, or just sit together in companionable silence at the end of the day. You need to nurture the bond between you and your spouse daily, like watering a plant.
May Allah grant us all happy, harmonious marriages with beautiful, caring spouses, ameen!
Umm Khalid
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